Roses are red, corncobs are yellow and a hole in one is your due if you have a bootyhole with a punch to it! Ever sung that as a kid? If the answer is no, we feel obliged to say that your childhood might not have been as awesome as ours! Just kidding, fellas!

Anyway, today we ditched the office for a bit, headed to the fields, had a head-clearing shit, fucked some banana trees, and resolved to do something about the ladies and gents out there who are still unsure about all aspects of butt plug insertion and retrieval. Ready or not, let’s get to it, folks. And do keep in mind that the road to and through the asshole can be a tight squeeze and plenty of lube can wash a lot of sins away!

Bootylicious Bouncing Bungholes

Let’s kick things off by talking a bit about butt plugs. These sex toys are genderless in that they can be used by all sex. If you got a booty and a hole in it that can fit something the size of your little finger or bigger, then these toys should be your cup of tea. And we ain’t gonna talk about the history of these toys, because far as we know, mankind has always been eager to put something in his bodily orifices and might actually have been driven out of the garden of Eden for letting a snake crawl up where the sun doesn’t shine and crows don’t croak! Or did we get the event wrong? No matter!

Butt plugs help us expand the bounds of what is possible and accepted. Some like it because having something like that in them while out on business is hella funny and gets them off. In fact, we are quite willing to bet that quite a few of the gents and ladies at the coronation of King Charles had butt plugs up the kazoo. Just take a moment to imagine noble lords and ladies at a coronation having a sex toy in a part of the body that’s typically seen as dirty or unclean and with that in place going about their business and perhaps kissing the bejeweled fingers of their sovereign.

Anyway, some like butt plugs because it makes them feel full down there and also because it adroitly stimulates the rich bundle of nerves in the anal canal. Almost like a platter of steak and chips at a proper Cajun restaurant would make you feel! Yeah, the main reason that folks use butt plugs is because it feels really good.

Say you are a guy, a butt plug can help you achieve orgasm and we are talking about the prostate kind of orgasm that lasts for what seems like hours and gets you feeling like the world is hooked up to a misfiring generator! And if you are a lady, butt plugs can both satisfy your double penetration cravings and by pressing against the vaginal walls make you tighter down, enhance sensations as a cock or sex toy plunges into your pussy and make orgasms feel hella different and massively eye-popping. Talk about a win-win!

Butt Plug Insertion and Removal Guide

It’s time to get serious, folks and we are gonna begin by talking about butt plug insertion and removal. No jokes are allowed in this section by order of the king, on pain of dismemberment with an erect nipple or two that might or not be the property of an European MILF with a rack that puts Texas to shame!

Now, to insert a butt plug you must have first chosen the right one for your needs. The plug needs to be made of body-safe material, must have a flared base for easy retrieval, and must be the right size. If it is too big for the hole you are rocking, then you might need to hire a carpenter to hammer the butt plug home and we don’t want that, do we? And be prepared for a raft of unpleasant consequences if you were to use fruit or household materials in place of actual butt plugs.

Regardless of how eagerly you want a butt plug in you, if you are a first timer and have yet to get your anal cherry broken, then better get a butt plug the size of your little finger. You can easily buy more sizable ones once your asshole has gotten big enough to serve as a Pancho Villa hideout!

Once you got the right butt plug for your experience and asshole size, we would advise sterilizing it, just in case the postman and his relatives got naughty with it. Some butt plugs can be popped into the dishwasher, while others can be boiled. But washing with soap under running water or spraying some toy cleaner works wonders too.

With the toy clean, set it aside for a bit and make sure there’s no load of crap taking the train from your small intestine to your rectum. Take a shit if needed or carefully use an enema to clean out your bowels. With that done, try your utmost to relax, get in any position you like, put lots of lube on the toy and on your asshole and ever so gently work the plug in till it is as far in as you are comfortable with.

Removing the plug is also easy. Just relax in any position you are most comfortable with, grab the flared base, and gently start pulling. If your sphincter is holding the toy tight, try to relax even more and get a good grip on the flared base of the plug. Then pull while pushing down with your sphincter as you would when taking a dump and the toy should slide out. Just be sure to pull out your butt plug as gently as possible, or you might have anal tears whose extent would leave your doctor in tears! And not to worry, the sphincter great and mighty as it is does not have the pull of an adult tiger and losing a tug-of-war to it is virtually an impossibility!

In summary, for your butt plug insertion and retrieval to be successful, you must relax and have lots of lube handy. Being patient and gentle is also a must, as is having the right plug for the asshole in your possession.

But what happens when your butt plug stubbornly refuses to come out? Rather than panic and scream your head off, just wash your hands, have a cup of tea or coffee, and relax a bit. Stressing over the situation won’t do you any good and will make the sphincter clench tighter around the plug. Relax for a few minutes to an hour and try again and again as gently as possible and it is all but assured that the toy will tire of the whole situation and come sliding out of your puckered asshole. But in the very rare case that does not happen, then kindly make a beeline to the emergency room and prepare for surgical removal of the offending piece of shit!

Conclusion

Butt plugs are genderless and magical. They bring quite a bit to the table and are one of the few things in life to make you glad that mother nature saw fit to gift you an asshole! Insertion and removal of these toys is generally a breeze and anyone that says otherwise just needs a rocket up the kazoo!

Got butt plugs in spades, fellas? Then come to the comment section and let us know all about your adventures with them booty-addicted beauties.